"The Secret"
by: Roxine Cherie' Evans aka "Cina"

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One day while staying for the summer at my grandparent's hotel, our mother gave my sister Michelle and I, the prettiest white dresses that we were going to wear to church the following day at St Mary's, up the stony road. In all of my excitement, my deepest desire at that very moment, was to show JESUS my pretty dress and to thank God for it, in His House. As mom and Michelle left the diningroom of the hotel, I rushed up the long staircase, to our bedroom to put on my brand new, beautiful white dress. Now, I was around 5-6 at the time, but in a flash, I was looking at myself in my nanny's lovely mirror, with my beautiful new, white dress. I didn't even put my new, shiny black shoes on, before I rushed back down the stairs and out the side door, to hurry up the stony road, to "God's House."

After I walked ever so quietly into God's house, I could barely catch my breath. My feet hurt as I stepped on the stones, on the way up the little winding dirt road, that led to the church. As I sat, all alone in what I truly believed was God's house, I began to sing to JESUS with all of my heart. "Jesus, Jesus, come to me, all my loving is for thee, I belong to thee, Jesus, Jesus, come to me." The moment I finished singing with all of my heart, I heard heavy footsteps, coming from behind where I was sitting, in the first pew. Suddenly, my little heart began to beat faster. I didn't really like the priest at St Mary's church because at times, I could smell alcohol on his breath, as he would bend down to shake my hand and bless me. He, at one time, even asked me to sing for a few Sunday masses, which I truly enjoyed doing. But, for some strange reason, this day, I felt a feeling of sudden doom, as he continued walking towards me.

Then, there was complete silence. I looked to the left of me, to see the priest smiling down at me. "Hi Cina, my, what a pretty dress you're wearing." "Thank you," I replied, with a sense of urgency in my voice. No longer was there true joy in my heart. At that moment, I felt a feeling I had never felt before, fear. I wanted to run away when suddenly, he sat down next to me. He said, "Cina, you are such a beautiful little girl, do you know how pretty you are, especially today with your pretty white dress on?" I closed my eyes and prayed that God wouldn't let him hurt my pretty dress. I could smell the stink of foul alcohol coming from his body. I never felt danger before. I began to tremble. I started weeping. He put his hand on the top of my head and began stroking my hair in a soothing manner. "You know Cina, God really enjoys it when you come to his house to pray and sing to him, he loves you and your family so much." I could see my tears begin falling onto my pretty dress. I was afraid to say anything to him. I could only listen. I felt that JESUS left me, the moment he sat down beside me.

He continued talking ever so quietly to me. "Cina, do you know what a secret is?" I shook my head, no. "A secret is something that only God and you know." Then, he put his hand on my pretty white dress. I was completely frozen. I felt as though I could no longer breathe. I didn't know what he was doing, but I knew it was very bad. I kept my eyes closed, tightly. My heart felt like it was going to explode. "I want my mommy!" I thought to myself. "Don't cry," he said to me, when I suddenly heard the sound of a zipper. Then, he started singing, still, almost in a whispering voice. He sang words I never heard before. I was so frightened, I wet myself. He stopped singing, then he began to rub my dress against my leg, up and down. I could feel my body shaking from fear. As I stayed ever so quiet, he began to breathe strangely, as if he was a monster. I never heard these sounds, before. I thought he was going to eat me.

As he continued rubbing my dress onto my leg, while breathing like a monster, I could feel a stinging sensation on my leg, right above my knee. My dress had a rough petticoat underneath it. Now, I was feeling another sensation that I had never felt before, physical pain. As he kept rubbing my petticoat harshly against my leg, while the sounds from his mouth became louder, I could feel my skin tearing, under his hand, on my leg. Then, he stopped and whispered into my ear. His hot, foul breath caused me to hold my breath, while my heart was pounding inside of me. "Cina, you're such a good girl, this is a secret that only we can know about, do you understand what I am saying to you?" I slowly nodded, in an up and down motion. I could not speak one word, with my lips. My mouth was frozen, shut. Something terrible had just happened to me, I knew. The monster hurt me and my pretty white dress. He continued, but this time, he sounded angry, "This is a secret that you must never tell anyone about, not your mommy not your daddy, not even your nanny, do you understand me, Cina?!" Again, I nodded, yes. "For, if you tell anyone Cina, God will punish your whole family, even your sister, Michelle." "Never forget that this is our secret, ok?" Suddenly, he was gone.

I ran as fast as my little bare feet could carry me. So fast, I ran down the stoney road, stepping on the stones, feeling each one, as if they were stones with needles in them. As I was running and crying, I thought about what my mother would think, if she knew what he did to me. Then, I remembered his horrible warning to me, that God would punish my whole family, even my wonderful, big sister, Michelle, when I suddenly stopped on that stoney road and pulled my dress up, to view my wound. I was petrified beyond words at what I saw. My leg was full of blood and it was throbbing with pain I never knew, even existed. My pretty new, white dress, was no longer pretty. It was filled with this red color that I didn't even know, was blood. Oh, how I wished that I could fall upon those wicked stones that led up to what I truly believed was God's house, where I always felt safe and secure, since I was a toddler. Now, a strange feeling was inside of me. Fear of God suddenly robbed me of all joy in my heart. Fear gripped me and would never let me go. I was in agony. Suddenly, I tripped over a stone and fell onto the dirty, stoney road. A road that I had travelled many times to get to God's house, was now a road that I would hate, for the rest of my life.

As I entered the side door of my nanny's hotel, my sister, who was walking through the dining room, exclaimed: "Mommy, Cina has a boo boo!" My mother rushed to me and asked me what happened. I told her that, after I left God's house, as I was running down the stoney road, I tripped and fell down on the dirty stones. She gave me a hug and took me to the restroom where she lifted my dress to see my wound on my leg. What is this, Cina? she asked. I fell down, mommy, I fell down! was my reply, while crying, uncontrollably. You see, in the early '50's, parents literally worshipped Catholic priests. Many Catholics would give up their little girls to the Catholic church, to train them up, to become nuns. The parents would pay money to the Catholic church, on a monthly basis, for their child's supplies, food, rent, etc. Little did they know, that they were paying money to a cult that was literally destroying the very lives of their little helpless children, completely.
I truly lost the love from my mother, that day. As the years passed, she never truly loved me. She knew that the priest had harmed me, that day. But, in those days, Catholic priests meant more to those who worshipped them, than their very own children.

Listen to an ex-Roman Catholic nun's true story, about the horrors that the Roman Catholic priests and nuns truly do, to #JESUSLITTLEONES - Click on her picture and listen!

sister charlotte keckler tells all
Sister Charlotte Keckler
Born: April 12, 1889 - Died: September 1983


In 2009, I contacted the Catholic Diocese in Syracuse, NY, and spoke to Bishop Costello....to be continued.


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Chapter 2 - "Holes In My Shoes"  (stay tuned)

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